Warning

This blog contains lots of triggering content.

Below this there will be lots of triggering topics, please take care of yourself and leave if you are not comfortable or in the right head space for that.

Triggering things will often be blacked out and only be able to be seen when hovered over, but sometimes they will not be (which it will then be mentioned under the title).

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Dealing with everything 02-02-2025

Lots of mentions of abuse, too many that it would just be annoying for me and readers to cover them all.

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I recently started to actually open up to a therapist and really talk about my issues and it has been hard. Verbalizing things (especially face to face with someone_ that have happened to you that you never really even thought twice about kind of make you think about and realize just how fucked up it all was. For example, I dated a guy for a year and I was severely abused the whole time but we were kind of on and off for 2 years before that. I never realized until I actually said out loud (and saw my therapists reaction) all the things that happened while we were on and off that I was being abused the entire time.

I've been abused a lot in my life and most of the time I didn't even know it was abuse. Growing up I thought that people screaming in my face, grabbing me and dragging me, and locking me in my room were just normal things. I didn't even know that what I was going through was abuse. Being accustomed to abuse made me be abused more and more because I thought what people did to me was normal. I ended up developing PTSD from everything that happened to me and from not knowing how to properly cope with it. I still don't really know how to cope properly, self harm has been my main coping mechanism since I was 8-9 and it's hard to find something healthier that works enough.

Right now I'm in my first healthy real relationship and its horrifying. We actually dated before but I broke up with him because I was scared and basically ran away from the relationship, I feel like such an asshole for doing that and I think I will forever. I still am scared, I always have a thought in the back of my head that he's going to do what everyone else has done to me but I also always am thinking that I don't deserve to be treated so nicely. He's the sweetest person ever (he doesn't even want to get mad around me) but I'm so used to being treated either like a sex toy or just horribly that it feels scary to be treated nicely.

I know I'm a long way from being better, I don't think I will ever be all better (I quite literally have the "it never gets better" disorder (Persistent Depressive Disorder)) but I think things are okay enough that I'll keep trying. I have a couple of friends who I care about and who care about me and a boyfriend who treats me like I created the world <3<3<3.

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