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This blog contains lots of triggering content.

Below this there will be lots of triggering topics, please take care of yourself and leave if you are not comfortable or in the right head space for that.

Triggering things will often be blacked out and only be able to be seen when hovered over, but sometimes they will not be (which it will then be mentioned under the title).

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Remembering 04-21-2026

Winter is over and I'm feeling a bit better but, around this time I usually start to really be affected by my trauma from my ex.

I was in an abusive relationship for 3 years. The first 2 years we were on and off quite a bit. I didn't even realize how much I was being abused until around a year after I left him for good. He would often use intermittent reinforcement (he would randomly give me affection and randomly pull away. I never knew what I did to get the affection or for him to pull away) and would guilt trip me into sending nude photos or into doing sexual things on call with him. It was entirely online, I went to his city once to visit an online friend but never was able to meet up with him.

He often would pull away and start being cold when I didn't do what he wanted, even when I did what he wanted but didn't do it the way he wanted. I didn't want to go to my grade 9 grad because the air quality was super bad due to smoke from wildfires. I told him that but he continued to be cold and rude towards me for around an hour until I caved and went, but even then he was still an asshole. He didn't like that I was taking more photos of my friends then of myself.

A couple months after that he proceeded to tell me exactly that he wanted to rape me. A couple hours later he told me if I didn't show myself doing whatever he wanted on video call he would post my nudes and send them to people. The only way that would make him stop is if I would threaten to kill myself and then cut myself. I dealt with that for a couple months until I cut myself deep enough that he I think he got scared of something (I don't know what) and deleted all my photos. I left him a week later.

I sometimes randomly remember things he did and I always right them down. A couple other things he did was call me the r slur a lot, said if I killed myself he wouldn't go to my funeral, asked if he would sell my nudes if I died, when I asked him one time to delete my photos he said did but then later admitted he didn't permanently deleted and asked if he could get them back.

I feel like a piece of shit for thinking this way but sometimes I wish it wasn't online so that I could have at least got a rape kit. I feel so gross and shitty for thinking that way because I know I'm lucky that I didn't know him in person because it would've been so much worse. I wish I had more evidence. All I have for evidence is discord screenshots that he can easily say are fake.

I tried to go to the police and they told me they couldn't do anything because I sent the photos even though he blackmailed me and those photos are literally CSAM. So I get my life ruined, I have to drop out of school due to the PTSD from the relationship, and I have to worry that he might still have my photos and they might be somewhere online and he gets to continue his life like nothing happened.

Dealing with everything 02-02-2025

Lots of mentions of abuse, too many that it would just be annoying for me and readers to cover them all.

I recently started to actually open up to a therapist and really talk about my issues and it has been hard. Verbalizing things (especially face to face with someone_ that have happened to you that you never really even thought twice about kind of make you think about and realize just how fucked up it all was. For example, I dated a guy for a year and I was severely abused the whole time but we were kind of on and off for 2 years before that. I never realized until I actually said out loud (and saw my therapists reaction) all the things that happened while we were on and off that I was being abused the entire time.

I've been abused a lot in my life and most of the time I didn't even know it was abuse. Growing up I thought that people screaming in my face, grabbing me and dragging me, and locking me in my room were just normal things. I didn't even know that what I was going through was abuse. Being accustomed to abuse made me be abused more and more because I thought what people did to me was normal. I ended up developing PTSD from everything that happened to me and from not knowing how to properly cope with it. I still don't really know how to cope properly, self harm has been my main coping mechanism since I was 8-9 and it's hard to find something healthier that works enough.

Right now I'm in my first healthy real relationship and its horrifying. We actually dated before but I broke up with him because I was scared and basically ran away from the relationship, I feel like such an asshole for doing that and I think I will forever. I still am scared, I always have a thought in the back of my head that he's going to do what everyone else has done to me but I also always am thinking that I don't deserve to be treated so nicely. He's the sweetest person ever (he doesn't even want to get mad around me) but I'm so used to being treated either like a sex toy or just horribly that it feels scary to be treated nicely.

I know I'm a long way from being better, I don't think I will ever be all better (I quite literally have the "it never gets better" disorder (Persistent Depressive Disorder)) but I think things are okay enough that I'll keep trying. I have a couple of friends who I care about and who care about me and a boyfriend who treats me like I created the world <3<3<3.